Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
