You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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