Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
