we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
