I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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