I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
