Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
