she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
