Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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