What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
