I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize