I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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