It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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