Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
