You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's just like the Real World with babies
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
