We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
