If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Floor bacon is actually really good
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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