that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
