did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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