I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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