I love black thongs
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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