Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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