I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
