Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
