Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
