We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize