Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
