Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize