I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
