Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize