The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
