Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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