im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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