Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
