Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
