Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
