You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
