that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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