we have pet lesbian snakes
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
