dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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