I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
where are my eyebrows?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
