No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
