you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
