Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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