"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
