Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have demons in me.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
