i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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