so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
