I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
