I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
