I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
