proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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