u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
