Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
