I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
