Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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