I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
