the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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