Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
