He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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