im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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