The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
