It's like God shit irony all over that family
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
