i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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